New filks for the week

[hoa nguyen]

MUD FOOLS (Sung to the tune of “Mob Rules” by Black Sabbath, featuring Ronnie James Dio... R.I.P.)

Turn ‘round your bikes and tell Osterman
We’re not taking the fall
Death just follows us everywhere we go
Sorry it came to you all

We’re not going to stop
Quit playing wasteland cop
You’re just acting like tools...
You Mud fools
You Mud fools

Poke the bear again and you'll get bitten
We’ve taken out worse than you
Go blame the sandmen, or maybe Tennant
Find someone else to screw, oh

Have you gone insane
We just want our brain
You’re just acting like tools...
You Mud fools

We’re not going to stop
Quit playing wasteland cop
You’re just acting like tools...

Are you kidding? We took out the rider
And his bad biker crew
We captured the big man named Thad Cannon
Now his porn career’s through

You're all tools!
You Mud fools!

[Joe Jack Onassis]

I said I'd do it.  Here it is.  This one's for Johnny.

Non-lethal Damaged to Death  (to the tune of ACDC's "Beating Around the Bush")

Black Riders and Mudtown boys
Just two types of folk that I destroy
One's from the North and one's from the East
Both those groups 'bout to be deceased
Baby I'll lay my hook on you
Gonna get beat the ways I want you to
Stop your cryin' and dry your tears
I'll hit you so hard I'll knock out your peers

I'll be throwin' lefts, I'll be throwin' rights
Johnny the Croc's come to fight
Non-lethal damaged to death

Wish I knew what went through your mind
My fist or my hook, or was it both combined?
Call my left hook Sturm, my right hand Drang
Knockin' folks out like Clubber Lang
Their teeth get shattered their bones get crunched
Didn't start this party but I brought the punch
I gave 'em fair warning, they didn't take heed
You gonna fight back or stand and bleed?

He was cryin' "mercy", he was beggin' "please"
That's when I broke both his knees
Non-lethal damaged to death

I'll smack these folks out of their health
Only smack for me's the kind I shoot myself
Here comes a Mud Boy with a porn star name
Let's see how he looks his lips inflamed
His ears'll get boxed, his eyes'll get shined
I'm a one-man beat-down assembly line
I've beaten everyone in your whole damn crew
The last beating's just for you

And I will chew you up, I will spit you out
This has been a brutal rout
Non-lethal damaged to death

And I will chew you up, I will spit you out
This has been a brutal rout
Non-lethal damaged to death

[Johnny The Cook]

Stop your cryin' and dry your tears
I'll hit you so hard I'll knock out your peers

...

His ears'll get boxed, his eyes'll get shined
I'm a one-man beat-down assembly line
I've beaten everyone in your whole damn crew
The last beating's just for you

Bra...vo! My favorite filk yet!

[hoa nguyen]

OSTERMAN (Sung to the tune of “Simple Man” by Lynyrd Skynyrd)

Mama told me when I was wee
Of course, she said it in Vietnamese
She said listen, girl, pay me heed
If you don’t
Someone will make you bleed
 
Pick your fights... Don't jump too fast
Don’t chase down people who can kick your ass
Be careful in the wasteland
And don't forget
Those scary men of sand

CHORUS:
You must be simple, Osterman
Messing with things you don’t understand
You must be simple, Osterman
Best turn around while you still can

Forget your lust for revenge
Or you will come to a nasty end
You can do this if you try
Pick the wrong fight
And you could die

[Chorus]

Take care now... keep your head down
If you’re mayor of some two-bit town
And if Mudville gets waylaid
Don’t assume
That you’ve been betrayed

[Chorus]

[Joe Jack Onassis]

This one may have been filked before.  And yes, Hoa, it's from an album called Honkey Chateau.

Osterman  (to the tune of Elton John's "Rocketman")

We said goodbye last night pre-fight
Black Rider awaiting them
We ended up hiding in fright by ten
I messed up bad today--I fucked my life
I led my men out on this chase
Oh, such an awful plight!

And I think it's gonna be a long long time
Till Joe Jack lets me loose again to find
I'm not the man I used to be at home
Oh no no no I'm just Osterman
Osterman burning his bridges out here alone
                      (x2)

Mudd City ain't the place to raise your kids
As chief I didn't do too well
And anybody there could have done the job I did
And these politics I don't understand
I'll have to find a new job this week
Just Osterman, Osterman

And I think it's gonna be a long long time...

[hoa nguyen]

Funny, yo.

But it might have been more appropriate if the album had been called Inbred Chateau.

[Joe Jack Onassis]

Every time you say something to me you mention breeding.

[hoa nguyen]

Every time you say something to me you mention breeding.

No, there's a big difference between breeding and inbreeding.

I know you're not real smart, but I figured you would have learned that in high school FFA.

[Joe Jack Onassis]

Don't let the good looks fool ya, darlin'.  I got a real good mind behind this handsome face.  Never did join the FFA.  Did have a Health class, though, and did plenty of extra-curricular activities based upon said class.  I could teach you a thing or two that would make your toes curl and your prison tats whirl.  What ya' say to your number-one GI, baby?

[hoa nguyen]

Don't let the good looks fool ya, darlin'.  I got a real good mind behind this handsome face.  Never did join the FFA.  Did have a Health class, though, and did plenty of extra-curricular activities based upon said class.  I could teach you a thing or two that would make your toes curl and your prison tats whirl.  What ya' say to your number-one GI, baby?

I think Uma may take you up on that.

Me? I'm not desperate enough to date outside of my species.

[Joe Jack Onassis]

Women aren't a species, Hoa.  They're a gender.

[hoa nguyen]

Women aren't a species, Hoa.  They're a gender.

Well, look at you, throwing big words around.

You're not quite as dumb as I thought. Sadly for you, having paid attention during freshman biology still doesn't move you out of the "dumb hick" category.

[Joe Jack Onassis]

I think Uma may take you up on that.

You know, Hoa, you seem to know an awful lot about what Uma likes.  So tell me, this gang you were in, was it like one of those all-girl gangs in those old Russ Meyer movies?

[hoa nguyen]

I think Uma may take you up on that.

You know, Hoa, you seem to know an awful lot about what Uma likes.  So tell me, this gang you were in, was it like one of those all-girl gangs in those old Russ Meyer movies?

I don't know who the hell you're talking about. Is Rusty Meyer some kind of country singer or something?

[Joe Jack Onassis]

I don't know who the hell you're talking about. Is Rusty Meyer some kind of country singer or something?

Well, seeing as how the apocalypse has gone and fucked up all the old movies, I guess I can't teach you about ole Rusty Meyer.  Now Rusty  Trombone on the other hand...