Filks for the road

[hoa nguyen]

TRUCK DRIVIN’ BAND (Sung to the perennial truckin’ favorite “Truck Drivin’ Man” by Dave Dudley)

We drove through an underpass heading southward
Took a radiator hit that crippled our van
That’s just the way the DM treats you
When you’re in a truck drivin' band
We pumped our slugs into the bandits
Johnny slugged it out with his steel hand
A life of violence sure does suit us
‘Cause we’re a truck drivin' band

Give me another clip for the uzi
Weld another panel to the van
I'll put more wire mesh ‘cross the windshield
This is a truck drivin' band

Well, we heard the roar of bikers coming
Barely time for Buck to get out his tools
So we readied ourselves for an ambush
Got ready to blow away some fools
When I finally lose all my hit points
And my life’s bled out into the sand
They’ll throw me on ice behind the backseat
‘Cause we’re a truck drivin' band

Give me another clip for the uzi
Weld another panel to the van
I'll put more wire mesh ‘cross the windshield
This is a truck drivin' band

[Joe Jack Onassis]

Total Crash  (to the tune of "Total Trash" by Sonic Youth)

It started at Taos
Drivin' down from Mud Town
Snow Cat's just been lost
Ran it into the ground

Never mind it now
Broke upon impact
It's a total crash
And it's an actual fact
That I cracked my brow

Post-apocalypse clan
Swung a battering ram
Buck couldn't turn us away
Came to a halt with a slam

It's a guilty man
That destroyed our truck
It's a total crash
Now he's just been struck
With a lefty hook

There he goes again
Morphine junky friend
You remember the time
That he used to spend
With the zombie kids in town

It started at Taos
Drivin' down from Mud Town
Snow Cat's just been lost
Ran it into the ground

Never mind it now
Broke upon impact
It's a total crash
And it's an actual fact
That I cracked my brow

[Joe Jack Onassis]

For those who couldn't make it, we were sabotaged on the way to Albuquerque and the truck was wrecked.  We then had a pretty awesome 3 hour gun battle in which no less than 3 baddies were killed right in my face.  Everyone kicked ass (or hooked ass) and all of us survived.  Now we are about to have another big brawl with the motorcycle guys that ran with the Black Rider.

[Joe Jack Onassis]

Also, Hoa saved me twice.  I think she couldn't bear to lose her precious Joe Jack.

[Brand Nar Gath]

Also, Hoa saved me twice.  I think she couldn't bear to lose her precious Joe Jack.

that's because you are really her son.

[hoa nguyen]

Also, Hoa saved me twice.  I think she couldn't bear to lose her precious Joe Jack.

No, I saved your ass cause I'm hard-ass gangsta that knows how handle a gat.

[hoa nguyen]

ZEALOUS GAT (I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAVE YOU) (Sung to the tune of “Jealous Guy (I Didn't Mean to Hurt You)” by John Lennon)

Thugs were swarming the truck
And my motive was saving Buck
I began to use my gun
I began to use my gun

I didn’t mean to save you
I'm sorry that it went like that
I didn’t want to save you
I’ve got a zealous gat

I was fearing for my life
I don’t want to be your wife
I was committing homicide
I was committing homicide

I didn’t mean to save you
I'm sorry that it went like that
I didn’t want to save you
I’ve got a zealous gat

(whistle)

I wasn’t trying to save your hide
Makes no difference if you live or die
I was dealing out pain
I was dealing out pain

I didn’t mean to save you
I'm sorry that it went like that
I didn’t want to save you
I’ve got a zealous gat
Watch out, I’ve got a zealous gat
Look out, Joe, I’ve got a zealous gat

[Johnny The Cook]

Johnny Cook (to the tune of "Devil Doll" by X)

He won’t stay in the truck
When there’s goons to be fought
Punch ‘em, hook ‘em in the head
He says "killin’s as easy as pie"

He’s never afraid of a zombie
or anybody in these wastes
this is no apocalypse
things are looking up

Johnny Cook, Johnny Cook
Fist and hook and attitude
Johnny Cook, Johnny Cook

This kind of guy gives
knives to little kids
He says he’s a cook but
His food ain’t all that good

His friends are looking for joints
While he spends action points
He don’t care what the plan is
Just as long as there’s a fight!

Johnny Cook, Johnny Cook
Fist and hook and attitude
Johnny Cook, Johnny Cook
Johnny Cook, Johnny Cook

[hoa nguyen]

Johnny Cook (to the tune of "Devil Doll" by X)

He won’t stay in the truck
When there’s goons to be fought
Punch ‘em, hook ‘em in the head
He says "killin’s as easy as pie"

He’s never afraid of a zombie
or anybody in these wastes
this is no apocalypse
things are looking up

Johnny Cook, Johnny Cook
Fist and hook and attitude
Johnny Cook, Johnny Cook

This kind of guy gives
knives to little kids
He says he’s a cook but
His food ain’t all that good

His friends are looking for joints
While he spends action points
He don’t care what the plan is
Just as long as there’s a fight!

Johnny Cook, Johnny Cook
Fist and hook and attitude
Johnny Cook, Johnny Cook
Johnny Cook, Johnny Cook

Bravo, sir! 

[Brand Nar Gath]

Ineffectual Healing, to the sound of Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye

Ooh, Distant snow falls out of sight
Radiator Cap got some claw handed lovin
I been shot everywhere but my sweet oven
And baby, I can't hold it much longer
Blood flow, gettin stronger and stronger

And when I get that feeling
I want serious  Healing
Bandages, glue, serious Healing, oh baby
Makes me feel so fine
Helps to relieve my mind
Healing baby, is good for me
Healing is something that's good for me

Whenever red drops are falling
And my stats are dropping
There is really nothing I can do
(its the apocalypse)
I can't get on the telephone and call you up doctor, and
Bea ain't there to relieve me
The med kit Johnny tried only bleeds me

If you don't know the things you're dealing
I can tell you, darling, that it's a lack of Healing
Get up, Get up, Get up, Get up, let's not die tonight
Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, 'cos you might not ever again see the light

Killed some young babies this morning
Big log came through the cab and hit me
Joe Jack thought we were capsizing
Buck couldn't turn, the front end was rising and rising

And when I get that feeling
I want some fucking Healing
not dying, its good for me
Makes me feel so fine, it's such a rush
Helps to relieve the mind, and it's good for us
Healing, baby, is good for me
Healing is something that's good for me
And it's good for me and it's good to me

My face ain't so pretty ohhh
have a look, it never gets old
O my body and mind, soon to be left behind in the shit
Gang, oh I don't think we're making dick
Find some medicine and open it.

Hoa, if you're so great
I can't wait for you to operate
Clem, if you're so great
I can't wait for you to operate
When I get this feeling, I need some fucking Healing (ad lib)

please don't procrastinate
'cause I may have to intubate
it'd be just like Johnny
trying to masturbate
(ad lib)

[hoa nguyen]

THE MAN WITH THE SILVER HOOK HAND (Sung to the tune of “The Man on the Silver Mountain” by Rainbow, featuring Ronnie James Dio (R.I.P.))

I'm a cook, I'm a cook
I can stir with my hook
You can't stop me killing
Try me punk, try me punk     
I don’t miss, even on junk
Hand-to-hand is always thrilling

CHORUS:
Jump down off the lorry
Think it’s gonna get gory
Someone's screaming in pain
While I strike again and again
I'm the man with the silver hook hand
I'm the man with the silver hook hand

I'm the tank, I'm the tank
Yeah, you’re gonna get spanked
Get what’s coming to you 
It’s my arm, it’s my arm
The steel will do you harm
It’s gonna punch right through you

[CHORUS]

Solo

[CHORUS]

[hoa nguyen]

Ineffectual Healing, to the sound of Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye

Ooh, Distant snow falls out of sight
Radiator Cap got some claw handed lovin
I been shot everywhere but my sweet oven
And baby, I can't hold it much longer
Blood flow, gettin stronger and stronger

And when I get that feeling
I want serious  Healing
Bandages, glue, serious Healing, oh baby
Makes me feel so fine
Helps to relieve my mind
Healing baby, is good for me
Healing is something that's good for me

Whenever red drops are falling
And my stats are dropping
There is really nothing I can do
(its the apocalypse)
I can't get on the telephone and call you up doctor, and
Bea ain't there to relieve me
The med kit Johnny tried only bleeds me

If you don't know the things you're dealing
I can tell you, darling, that it's a lack of Healing
Get up, Get up, Get up, Get up, let's not die tonight
Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, 'cos you might not ever again see the light

Killed some young babies this morning
Big log came through the cab and hit me
Joe Jack thought we were capsizing
Buck couldn't turn, the front end was rising and rising

And when I get that feeling
I want some fucking Healing
not dying, its good for me
Makes me feel so fine, it's such a rush
Helps to relieve the mind, and it's good for us
Healing, baby, is good for me
Healing is something that's good for me
And it's good for me and it's good to me

My face ain't so pretty ohhh
have a look, it never gets old
O my body and mind, soon to be left behind in the shit
Gang, oh I don't think we're making dick
Find some medicine and open it.

Hoa, if you're so great
I can't wait for you to operate
Clem, if you're so great
I can't wait for you to operate
When I get this feeling, I need some fucking Healing (ad lib)

please don't procrastinate
'cause I may have to intubate
it'd be just like Johnny
trying to masturbate
(ad lib)

Lovely! Now filk a Barry White tune!

[Brand Nar Gath]

I'm a cook I'm a cook
I can stir it with my hook!"
hahaha
somebody get me a beer!

[hoa nguyen]

I'm a cook I'm a cook
I can stir it with my hook!"
hahaha
somebody get me a beer!

I'm sure Johnny could pop that bottlecap right off with his special hook.

[Brand Nar Gath]

MAN, JtC and Deacon M both on the board at the same time?  This is like a MIchael/janet Jackson thing ....